Hey leave comments on my story to help me expand it: https://sites.google.com/s/1OgFOEFKe4LXiotUZ3GsfrEhYx7LzMW5e/p/1beraWPQIsKLo9fC4qtFi-7wCS1dTACwN/edit
Hey Andrea! First off I really enjoyed your approach to this story. I really enjoyed how modern and simplistic you made this story because I think that is the best way to get across a moral. One thing that I might suggest is possibly giving the mouse more personality and have him show more emotion about leaving with new friends. I think that this could help show that he is fighting for something new in his life. I also was wondering what exactly would the snake's plan have been in the case that the hawk didn't ruin everything. Also I really enjoyed the last paragraph and felt that it did a good job explaining things, but have you considered putting some of that in your Author's note? Overall this was a great story, I just think you could extend it with detail because the plot and moral are perfect. The picture was a funny touch as well!
Hi there, Andrea! I just read your story, The Mouse and the Snake from your portfolio project. I really enjoyed it. I love reading the animal stories so yours really jumped out at me. I really liked that you reworked the moral of the story. It was creative and took a turn from the original. I also liked that you spaced between each section of the story because it made it easier to read on a computer screen. The picture was also an adorable touch. One thing you might want to do is crop it and make it a little larger though because it is kinda small. I think it would also be a good idea to put a description of your project on the main page. It is nice for the readers to be able to know what to expect and what the story or project will be about.
I really like the story if much more different than "The Turtle and Geese" and interesting. Both stories had is similarities and both had some meaningful lesson to learn that don't trust others without asking them some intelligent questions. Your story was about do not give into pear pressure and I know some people that are pressure by pear pressure really easy. I was wondering what would have happened if the hawk would not have killed the mouse. Overall I really like your story and your website is easy to navigate through and easy to understand. From the look of your home page I guess you really like animals, and you should add some information on your home page. I like puppies, they are little and cute. I like to play with them but that are the only animal. I look forward to reading your stories in the future. Good luck with writing portfolio.
Hello Andrea! I love animal stories because they are so cute and fun to read. So, I quickly jumped at the opportunity to read your stories! I love Aesop's Fables and any other stories with the purpose of teaching moral lessons. When I read the story about the Mouse and the Snake, the mouse could have shown more emotions when and resistance when the other mice asked why and where it was going. Also, the mouse could have told the readers plans about what it was going to do after it escaped the safe zone. What are the goals and aspirations of the mouse and what did it want to do with its future? Why did the snakes want to take the mouse away? Did they secretly have bad intentions and only wanted the mouse to think they were friends? This was a great story and I look forward to reading some more stories you post in the upcoming weeks! Good luck with your classes this semester!
Hi Andrea! I am very impressed with these wonderful stories you have written. I enjoy your creativity with the theme of animals and continuously keeping the stories consistent with the theme. I really appreciate the imagery portrayed in both stories and how you used that imagery to really make the characters come to life. I enjoy the life brought to writing and believe the tone is used to really captivate the plot. The plots flows really well with the vernacular of your writing. I look forward to reading more from you and believe your stories will just continue to get better and better! I hope you have a great week 9 in the class and look forward to reading more soon.
First of all, I like the overall them of your project. Animals seem to be the focal point of your project. Animals are a great way to tell stories and to get people thinking about different aspects of life! I also like the tiger that is on every page. I feel like it is watching over me as I read the stories. I wonder what would happen if you didn't put the morals at the end of each story? Do you think the reader would maybe create their own moral of each story? Also, what if you kept the same picture as your heading in each story. Maybe you could make it the tiger, like he is the gatekeeper of each story. Just an idea though. I really like how your project and all the stories/ pictures are coming together. I am looking forward to seeing your project progress!!
Hi, Andrea! Thanks so much for sharing this story. I like that you chose to use a new set of animals! It keeps the classic story interesting. It is funny to imagine snakes with sleeves!! Haha! I also love that you used snakes for this character. Usually we automatically associate snakes with mean characters. So, I love that they are just trying to help the mouse see the world! I think overall, there are two things that could improve. There are a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there that could be fixed with a quick read through and spell check! Next, I just would like it if there were a little more substance or length to the story, just to keep me reading longer. Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I am certain that it will just improve from here on out and I look forward to see what more you can do with it. Best of luck with the rest of your semester!
Hey Andrea! I love the fact that you use animals in the story! I think it is so cool that you take that angle and it really adds a level of depth to the reading. One thing that really stands out is the amount of imagery you use to describe things and I think that description alone makes the stories so awesome! There are just a few things that I think could help and that could be just spell checking the words and making sure everything reads like it should! Other than that, everything looks great and I look forward to reading more!
Hi Andrea! Thank you for sharing your stories with us! I like the way that you changed up the species of animal in your stories that you chose to retell. I really enjoyed your story with the mouse and the snake. It was a refreshing change to see that the entire story wasn't just about how the snake wanted to kill and eat the mouse. There was a true moral to the story and I think it was great! I think your stories have a lot of potential. When I was reading and after I finished I was actually wanting to learn more and to hear more about the story. Remember that you are the creator of these stories! I think you could add so much more and make the stories outstanding. The theme that you chose to build your stories around is probably one of my favorites so far. I think that by using animals as your characters it really gets your readers thinking about applying the moral of the stories to their own lives. I look forward to reading your finished product in the future! Good luck with everything for the rest of the semester.
Hi Andrea! I love that you use animals in your stories. In my opinion, animals are a big hit, so just adding them to your stories pumps up the audience. I also like that you have a lot of images on your website. This also aids in drawing readers in. One thing that I noticed in your first story was this sentence: "But you would never expect an animal trying to plot of another animal in the rainforest." Are you saying that you would never expect an animal to be plotting against another animal? If so, I think rewording the sentence would help clear up the confusion and make the sentence flow a better. Overall, this story is great and that is the only thing I noticed, but it is very minor. Your second story, "The Mouse and Snake", is equally as good. Overall, your project is great and I look forward to seeing the completed project. Great job.
Hi Andrea. I really liked your stories! I thought they were very to the point, and conveyed the message you wanted to convey clearly. I also really like the visual appearance of your blog; it pushes home that animal theme you’ve been going for. I noticed your first story still shows up in the tab as Story 2 “title un known,” and I was curious if you meant to have that there, as the story has a title when you click on it. There were a couple grammar and spelling issues that kind of distracted me from your story; I think it would help the audience to get into the stories better if these were fixed. Some of the ones I saw in your first story were
he swins upstream to - Swim
I wonder how will i make - i should be capitalized
her happy". "But How?" - Because this dialogue occurs all at once, there shouldn’t be a break in quotes, so just, "I have to do everything in my power to make her happy. But How?"
his house "tree". As, he sits - the period should be inside the quotes (“tree.”) and there shouldn’t be a comma after As
Hey Andrea! I can't believe the semester is already almost over! It is great to see how your portfolio is coming to a close. Although I did not get to see your beginning versions of the blog, the stories are very fun to read. I was able to understand them perfectly. This is sometimes hard because the material from the epics can be heavy and hard to understand at some points. I am still trying to find my own writing style, so good job for being able to find yours so fast! I just have some comments on the layout of your blog. That seems to be something that maybe you have not had the time to go back and correct. Some of the photos that you used are not in the best quality. It would be better to use a high-quality image. Also, the labels do not have the story titles on them. It still looks like the draft version.
Wow, what a beautiful portfolio you have! I am an animal lover myself and I really appreciate your wonderful use of visual illustrations.
In terms of feedforward for your first story, I would suggest proofreading, perhaps spending time double checking on grammar. I noticed a couple of words that required capitalization. Also, I would love to hear more in your author's note. You could write more about your inspiration for writing the story or the common theme between your stories. I also think the story could be lengthened and include more plot to make your story even more interesting. I’m not sure why you’ve labeled the second story, since the others aren’t labeled in this manner. I think this story will also need proofreading and be sure to add commas where necessary. I like the way you separated the last sentence of the story, it creates a dramatic effect.
Overall, great job! Good luck with the rest of the semester.
Hello Andrea, great project. The first thing that struck me was all the photos you used. I really liked your photos and the animals you used. They kept to your Animal lover theme and helped to keep your project really playful. I liked the interpretation and twists that you used in your story. For instance using Mice and Snakes instead of turtles and birds. You also did a good job at keeping the messages of the stories intact as well. One thing that bothered me a little was the perspective of the story. It was a bit confusing and sometimes it seemed like first person, and then you talking, and then a narrator. Instead of a story it almost read as you talking about the story you were writing. For instance saying stuff like "This story represents" or "The major plot started", in the monkey story. Other than that, I really liked your stories.
Hey Andrea! First off I really enjoyed your approach to this story. I really enjoyed how modern and simplistic you made this story because I think that is the best way to get across a moral. One thing that I might suggest is possibly giving the mouse more personality and have him show more emotion about leaving with new friends. I think that this could help show that he is fighting for something new in his life. I also was wondering what exactly would the snake's plan have been in the case that the hawk didn't ruin everything. Also I really enjoyed the last paragraph and felt that it did a good job explaining things, but have you considered putting some of that in your Author's note? Overall this was a great story, I just think you could extend it with detail because the plot and moral are perfect. The picture was a funny touch as well!
ReplyDeleteHi there, Andrea! I just read your story, The Mouse and the Snake from your portfolio project. I really enjoyed it. I love reading the animal stories so yours really jumped out at me. I really liked that you reworked the moral of the story. It was creative and took a turn from the original. I also liked that you spaced between each section of the story because it made it easier to read on a computer screen. The picture was also an adorable touch. One thing you might want to do is crop it and make it a little larger though because it is kinda small. I think it would also be a good idea to put a description of your project on the main page. It is nice for the readers to be able to know what to expect and what the story or project will be about.
ReplyDeleteHello Andrea!
ReplyDeleteI really like the story if much more different than "The Turtle and Geese" and interesting. Both stories had is similarities and both had some meaningful lesson to learn that don't trust others without asking them some intelligent questions. Your story was about do not give into pear pressure and I know some people that are pressure by pear pressure really easy. I was wondering what would have happened if the hawk would not have killed the mouse. Overall I really like your story and your website is easy to navigate through and easy to understand. From the look of your home page I guess you really like animals, and you should add some information on your home page. I like puppies, they are little and cute. I like to play with them but that are the only animal. I look forward to reading your stories in the future. Good luck with writing portfolio.
Hello Andrea! I love animal stories because they are so cute and fun to read. So, I quickly jumped at the opportunity to read your stories! I love Aesop's Fables and any other stories with the purpose of teaching moral lessons. When I read the story about the Mouse and the Snake, the mouse could have shown more emotions when and resistance when the other mice asked why and where it was going. Also, the mouse could have told the readers plans about what it was going to do after it escaped the safe zone. What are the goals and aspirations of the mouse and what did it want to do with its future? Why did the snakes want to take the mouse away? Did they secretly have bad intentions and only wanted the mouse to think they were friends? This was a great story and I look forward to reading some more stories you post in the upcoming weeks! Good luck with your classes this semester!
ReplyDeleteHi Andrea! I am very impressed with these wonderful stories you have written. I enjoy your creativity with the theme of animals and continuously keeping the stories consistent with the theme. I really appreciate the imagery portrayed in both stories and how you used that imagery to really make the characters come to life. I enjoy the life brought to writing and believe the tone is used to really captivate the plot. The plots flows really well with the vernacular of your writing. I look forward to reading more from you and believe your stories will just continue to get better and better! I hope you have a great week 9 in the class and look forward to reading more soon.
ReplyDeleteHey Andrea,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I like the overall them of your project. Animals seem to be the focal point of your project. Animals are a great way to tell stories and to get people thinking about different aspects of life! I also like the tiger that is on every page. I feel like it is watching over me as I read the stories. I wonder what would happen if you didn't put the morals at the end of each story? Do you think the reader would maybe create their own moral of each story? Also, what if you kept the same picture as your heading in each story. Maybe you could make it the tiger, like he is the gatekeeper of each story. Just an idea though. I really like how your project and all the stories/ pictures are coming together. I am looking forward to seeing your project progress!!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi, Andrea! Thanks so much for sharing this story. I like that you chose to use a new set of animals! It keeps the classic story interesting. It is funny to imagine snakes with sleeves!! Haha! I also love that you used snakes for this character. Usually we automatically associate snakes with mean characters. So, I love that they are just trying to help the mouse see the world! I think overall, there are two things that could improve. There are a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there that could be fixed with a quick read through and spell check! Next, I just would like it if there were a little more substance or length to the story, just to keep me reading longer. Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I am certain that it will just improve from here on out and I look forward to see what more you can do with it. Best of luck with the rest of your semester!
ReplyDeleteHey Andrea! I love the fact that you use animals in the story! I think it is so cool that you take that angle and it really adds a level of depth to the reading. One thing that really stands out is the amount of imagery you use to describe things and I think that description alone makes the stories so awesome! There are just a few things that I think could help and that could be just spell checking the words and making sure everything reads like it should! Other than that, everything looks great and I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteHi Andrea! Thank you for sharing your stories with us! I like the way that you changed up the species of animal in your stories that you chose to retell. I really enjoyed your story with the mouse and the snake. It was a refreshing change to see that the entire story wasn't just about how the snake wanted to kill and eat the mouse. There was a true moral to the story and I think it was great! I think your stories have a lot of potential. When I was reading and after I finished I was actually wanting to learn more and to hear more about the story. Remember that you are the creator of these stories! I think you could add so much more and make the stories outstanding. The theme that you chose to build your stories around is probably one of my favorites so far. I think that by using animals as your characters it really gets your readers thinking about applying the moral of the stories to their own lives. I look forward to reading your finished product in the future! Good luck with everything for the rest of the semester.
ReplyDeleteHi Andrea! I love that you use animals in your stories. In my opinion, animals are a big hit, so just adding them to your stories pumps up the audience. I also like that you have a lot of images on your website. This also aids in drawing readers in. One thing that I noticed in your first story was this sentence: "But you would never expect an animal trying to plot of another animal in the rainforest." Are you saying that you would never expect an animal to be plotting against another animal? If so, I think rewording the sentence would help clear up the confusion and make the sentence flow a better. Overall, this story is great and that is the only thing I noticed, but it is very minor. Your second story, "The Mouse and Snake", is equally as good. Overall, your project is great and I look forward to seeing the completed project. Great job.
ReplyDeleteHi Andrea. I really liked your stories! I thought they were very to the point, and conveyed the message you wanted to convey clearly. I also really like the visual appearance of your blog; it pushes home that animal theme you’ve been going for. I noticed your first story still shows up in the tab as Story 2 “title un known,” and I was curious if you meant to have that there, as the story has a title when you click on it. There were a couple grammar and spelling issues that kind of distracted me from your story; I think it would help the audience to get into the stories better if these were fixed. Some of the ones I saw in your first story were
ReplyDeletehe swins upstream to - Swim
I wonder how will i make - i should be capitalized
her happy". "But How?" - Because this dialogue occurs all at once, there shouldn’t be a break in quotes, so just,
"I have to do everything in my power to make her happy. But How?"
his house "tree". As, he sits - the period should be inside the quotes (“tree.”) and there shouldn’t be a comma after As
Hope this helps!
Hey Andrea! I can't believe the semester is already almost over! It is great to see how your portfolio is coming to a close. Although I did not get to see your beginning versions of the blog, the stories are very fun to read. I was able to understand them perfectly. This is sometimes hard because the material from the epics can be heavy and hard to understand at some points. I am still trying to find my own writing style, so good job for being able to find yours so fast! I just have some comments on the layout of your blog. That seems to be something that maybe you have not had the time to go back and correct. Some of the photos that you used are not in the best quality. It would be better to use a high-quality image. Also, the labels do not have the story titles on them. It still looks like the draft version.
ReplyDeleteHello Andrea!
ReplyDeleteWow, what a beautiful portfolio you have! I am an animal lover myself and I really appreciate your wonderful use of visual illustrations.
In terms of feedforward for your first story, I would suggest proofreading, perhaps spending time double checking on grammar. I noticed a couple of words that required capitalization. Also, I would love to hear more in your author's note. You could write more about your inspiration for writing the story or the common theme between your stories. I also think the story could be lengthened and include more plot to make your story even more interesting. I’m not sure why you’ve labeled the second story, since the others aren’t labeled in this manner. I think this story will also need proofreading and be sure to add commas where necessary. I like the way you separated the last sentence of the story, it creates a dramatic effect.
Overall, great job! Good luck with the rest of the semester.
Hello Andrea, great project. The first thing that struck me was all the photos you used. I really liked your photos and the animals you used. They kept to your Animal lover theme and helped to keep your project really playful. I liked the interpretation and twists that you used in your story. For instance using Mice and Snakes instead of turtles and birds. You also did a good job at keeping the messages of the stories intact as well. One thing that bothered me a little was the perspective of the story. It was a bit confusing and sometimes it seemed like first person, and then you talking, and then a narrator. Instead of a story it almost read as you talking about the story you were writing. For instance saying stuff like "This story represents" or "The major plot started", in the monkey story. Other than that, I really liked your stories.
ReplyDelete